Mummy

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I want to write about something wonderful that happened yesterday. We brought Conor’s little brother to visit relatives. He cried when someone other than us, his parents tried to hold him. While he was happy to smile at anyone in view, he wanted to be in our arms. This is the first proof we have that he feels safe and content with us. He knows that his Mummy & Daddy are special to him and this is the most amazing feeling.
In the weeks after Conor died we walked to try to pass the time. There was one day I heard a young child call for his mother. It felt as though someone was ripping my broken heart from my body. Hearing “Mummy” directed at someone else hurt so much. I was a Mummy too but there was no living child going to call or need me.
I still cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. Regardless of how many children a family has, the loss of a child/sibling leaves a gaping hole in a family and a lifetime of sadness. However, when it’s your first child who dies you’re also faced with a very real fear that you may never get to be parents to a living child.
For a long time after Conor died I struggled to be around families. It hurt so much seeing the special relationship between parents and their children. Each “Mummy” stung and left me feeling so empty. I was a Mummy too but my child was in the ground rather than playing by my feet. Other than immediate family (with whom I already had a special role as Auntie) I avoided being around friends or extended family with their young children present. I made a decision to be gentle with myself. If it caused too much pain or anxiety I avoided the situation. I came across a bit of criticism for this but life was hard enough without adding to it. It has meant I missed out on meeting new babies born in this time and missed significant milestones with others. However, it’s what I needed to do to survive.
I continue to miss Conor and I think of him every minute of every waking hour. There is a two year old hole in our family which will never be filled. However, there is now a living little boy who helps makes this Mummy feel special. His presence in our lives is helping us to re-engage with other families. He is far too young to speak but one day I might just get to hear those very special two syllables “Mummy”.

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8 thoughts on “Mummy

  1. Oh what a beautiful piece. I lost my little boy in September to a neural tube defect and I ache with sadness every day. We have recently found out that we are pregnant again and due in August. I an terribly scared and I hope so much this will be our rainbow baby. Much love ans hugs to you xxx

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    1. Thank you Ciara for taking the time to read our story. So sorry to hear your little baby died. Wishing you all the very best for your rainbow. Pregnancy after loss is a scary time but good outcomes do happen.
      From Conor’s Mummy xxx

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  2. Beautiful piece my first born son was stillborn 31 years ago and I can relate to everything you said. I will never forget William but my 2 sons have helped ease the pain
    Thank you for your beautiful piece

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  3. Hi there my lil boy was still born yesterday 2 weeks ago at just 23weeks. He’s perfect, he had everything, lil nose, lil crooked smile, his lil ears, hands and feet, everyone could already see how he looked like his daddy. He was gonna be a handsome lil boy. He was meant for greater things. We miss him soo much. My bf already has a 5yr old and it’s hard to see him with him and how they laugh together and do things and to see how great of a daddy he is and how we would of been, to think we could have had all that together, i was scared when I found out I was pregnant but it made us soo happy, it was hard for my boyfriend to even be around his own son after losing our lil boy but he has to be strong for him cause he still needs his daddy and we’re trying to be strong for our baby boy.

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  4. Oh dear! Tell me about it. We lost our Ayden a year ago. When people ask me to plan another baby, I’m petrified – what if I lose my next baby as well? How would anyone know any of those fears, unless they’ve been through it.

    So many cringe moments when you are not included in the group of parents, just because there isn’t anyone on this earth calling you ‘Mummy’ out loud. Hugs mama!

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