Today Conor’s little brother turns two. I spent his pregnancy holding my breath and I haven’t stopped pinching myself since. While his noisy entrance into this world has brought colour into my life, so much remains black or white; dead or alive. I describe parenting after a loss as “looking into the pram, not just to see if he is asleep/awake but to check he is still alive”. After Conor’s little brother’s safe arrival I spent time worrying about SIDS (previously known as cot death). I could have told you that our baby boy fell into a risk category with his gender and prematurity. I could have told you that the biggest age risk was 2-4 months and that I breathed a little bit easier after he turned 5 months. I watched his room thermometer like a hawk. I know that adverse outcomes can and do happen. My worry has eased somewhat as Conor’s little brother has got bigger and older. He can now tell us when he is “sore” but it rises to the surface any time he coughs or sniffs.
While I worry about health I think I am a more relaxed mother than I might have been with Conor had he lived. Conor’s little brother is alive and happy and most of the time that is enough. I don’t consult child development books. In some ways life is simple. I don’t seek perfection or approval from others. I sing nursery rhymes (loudly & badly) and make up songs not caring who hears me. I don’t stress if Conor’s little brother cries or screams in the company of others having known the pain of silence.
The last two years have been truly amazing. I am essentially a stay at home mother and this has done wonders for my mental wellbeing. For the first time (maybe ever but definitely in this new life) I find myself living in the moment. I see the world from the eyes of a now two year old and I like it. I jump on shadows and throw stones in the sea. I feel sand in between my toes and watch windmills go around. I stop and just watch/listen/feel.
Right now I am planning a Peppa Pig themed birthday party and cake. I am so very grateful that I am getting the chance to do this for a living child. It’s a milestone I thought I would never know. Yet at the same time I am sad that we do not get to plan Conor’s parties. Tears accompany so much of this life’s chapter… Conor’s little brother laughs and I cry. I cry tears of joy for his presence in our lives while simultaneously crying tears of sadness that his big brother is absent…and this is parenting after a loss.
Happy birthday dearest Conor,
I have been writing and rewriting a letter to you for the last few days. There is so much I want to tell you and I am struggling for words (it’s not often I am lost for words!)
Today is your 4th birthday. As you know, no birthday is complete in our home without cake. Your little brother and I made you a chocolate and almond cake. He didn’t eat any of his dinner in anticipation of the cake! We hope you like the Star balloon we left for you. Your little brother has the same one at home too.
I love you so very much. My love did not end as you died. Sometimes I think it got stronger and that I might burst if I loved you anymore. I just have to find different ways to show it….
It’s been a special year Conor. Your little brother started talking and his 2nd word was “Star”. I think that’s because he kept touching my necklace and I told him that’s “Conor’s Star”. He kisses your photo beside my bed and he told me he was making “Conor’s grave” with his stickle bricks the other day. He likes lighting candles for you in churches.
I try to do lots in your memory Conor. Your little brother and I continue to run the rainbow group for mothers & babies. You might have seen him and all the other rainbow babies fly past your star and the stars of all the other babies who have died while we sing “zoom zoom zoom, we’re going to the moon”. We had another “Baked with Love Day” with lots of people baking cakes and sharing memories of their loved ones. So many people know your name now Conor.
This year we moved house too. We have a fabulous house on a windy hill by the sea. Sometimes when I look out to sea I feel you close and find a kind of peace. I also get lots of chances to write your name in the sand and on pebbles.
I have got to know a new group of Mummy friends at the local playgroup. I baked star shaped biscuits as a way to tell them all about you so they now know that I am a mother to two very special boys and not just the little boy they see waving at everyone.
I miss you so much on your birthday and always. I wish we were altogether eating cake and leaving messy crumbs.
Sending you a big Mummy hug, a sloppy Mummy kiss and lots of tickles.
Love from your Mummy xxx
At our first ever bereavement support meeting (just 3 weeks after Conor died) I was told that my address book would change following the loss of my child. It did. I had anticipated it changing anyway with the arrival of my child. I had planned to attend parent and baby groups to get to know the other mums in the area. I expected to be out less and in more. I expected to never have a quiet moment but I was left with only quiet. The silence of stillbirth is deafening.
For a long time I struggled with the sudden change in my relationships. I had never felt so lonely yet this loneliness only increased in company. I felt angry and bitter as people carried on with their seemingly complete lives. I clung to the same few people who held me as I fell. Others fell away from me. My anxiety was so high at times that I could barely leave the house. A conversation with a former colleague has stayed with me. This woman worked with bereaved parents and offered to meet me for a coffee on my return to work. When I told her how I was struggling with relationships she advised the following…
Think about the role that people in your life can play and use them for what they offer…
Those who offer emotional support
Those who offer practical support
Those who offer fun and distraction
Those with the same interests
Those who offer professional support
Nearly four years on from Conor’s death and three years on from the death of my Dear Dad I find myself reflecting on this conversation and advice in a new light. For the first couple of years living this new life I sought only emotional support. I pushed away those offering practical help as it wasn’t needed. I didn’t want fun and distraction and turned down meet ups. I needed to “wallow” in my grief such was it’s rawness. I also had to recognise that while I hoped family members would take on each of these support roles, this expectation was and is unrealistic. Each person’s personality type, cultural beliefs around grief and life experience influences the role they can comfortably play. It has been my experience that most people do not deviate from their roles.
Since moving house this year my world has got bigger as I have added to my relationships. I have found a new energy in myself with this new start. I think I have even found some of my old self. I have left behind so much of the trauma that was associated with the old house and its environs. I have left the neighbours who crossed the street to avoid the mother whose baby died. I have left the roads that we drove along that fateful bad news day. I have left the location of the life that I thought I’d be living. For the first time I have friends who are parents of living children the same age as Conor’s brother. For the first time I feel I too can contribute to parenting discussions regarding living children (though I have no advice when it comes to getting a toddler to sleep through the night!!). I have set up a book club for book (and wine) loving women in my new neighbourhood. I am busy living and finding enjoyment in this new life. It doesn’t take away the sadness but I no longer feel so lonely or bitter. Somehow it is all made easier because I have no expectations of the new people I meet. For the first time since Conor died I have looked for people to fill the fun/distraction/practical roles. I do not seek or need to have emotional support from these new relationships. I continue to have my little group of “go to” people; Conor’s Daddy, my amazing sister, my little army of girlfriends and my loss mum friends who say “me too”…to name a few. These are the people I am grateful to for keeping me going. They are the people I turn to when I need that emotional connection. I know in the coming weeks as I face into Conor’s & Dad’s anniversaries that I’ll be leaning just a little bit more on each of them. I also know that the relationship is reciprocated as I take on the role of emotional support in their lives.
Back to baking…. the new oven has been used for bread, cake and biscuits. I continue to find peace while following a recipe and my sweet tooth is satisfied with the results. This is a recipe I found online for use with the bundt tin I treated myself to with a voucher for my birthday. It looks like a star shape to me and I love to find this connection with Conor. This cake is a delicious blend of almond and chocolate. It has been baked with love for friends old and new…
Tomorrow the people of Ireland will vote on a proposal to change the constitution. The proposed change concerns the regulation of termination of pregnancy (abortion). The No campaign seeks no change to the current constitution in which termination is illegal in all cases apart from imminent danger to a mother’s life. The Yes campaign is looking for a change. Should the Yes side win, the constitution will allow for abortion to take place in a greater number of circumstances. This post will not be about how I might vote but about what it’s been like to witness the campaigning as a mother of a baby boy who was stillborn. The referendum is everywhere, it’s in our papers, on our radio/TV and in our streets. The campaigning has been nasty at times and difficult to witness.
I have bereaved friends who sit very strongly on the Yes & No sides of this referendum. I also have friends who are undecided. Discussion around the referendum has been so divisive that it has been banned from the social media bereavement groups that I am part of. One of the arguments for the Yes campaign relates to foetal fatal abnormalities identified in scans at 20 weeks. It looks to give parents the option of terminating such pregnancies in Ireland. I have met couples who travelled to England for a termination following such a diagnosis and also know couples who continued with their pregnancies. They each did what they believed to be right for their families. While the campaigning is divisive, both sets of couples share the same grief for their babies who couldn’t stay.
There are posters all over lampposts. Some of these show scan pictures of babies in the womb. These take me right back to bad news day and the scan that confirmed Conor’s death. My walk to town is now filled with images that are traumatic. There are parts of Conor’s story I never want to forget but equally there are parts that I don’t want to revisit.
While I can totally appreciate the position that some women find themselves in with a crisis pregnancy, the idea of an “unwanted pregnancy” triggers so much. My baby was so very wanted but he died anyway. I also know couples who have their lives on hold as they try to conceive a precious baby.
I can’t wait for this referendum to be over. I am counting the hours before the posters come down and the airwaves no longer focus on babies. I just hope that whatever the outcome the bitterness that has been associated with the campaigns will morph into kindness. Behind all of this are stories of women & babies who deserve to be treated kindly. I urge any of you, whatever your beliefs to reach out to those who like me may have found it difficult to witness this referendum.
By the end of this month we should be living in a new house. We’re moving to what we expect will be our forever home and I can’t wait.
I’m excited about the move but I also wonder how I’ll feel as I close this door for the last time. This house has been the setting for so much of my life story to date. It’s been home for 14 eventful years. It’s the house where Conor lived and kicked but also the house where he died. It’s the house we planned to sell when pregnant with Conor but only now have the energy and decision making abilities to do so. It’s a house that has witnessed so much raw emotion I’m surprised I never caused a flood with all the tears. It’s a house I felt safe in even when we returned from the maternity hospital completely empty handed. It’s the house I hibernated in when the world outside was too scary. It’s also the house my dad visited on his many DIY mini breaks. It’s where he taught me how to paint walls and fill holes (a technique very similar to icing a cake!)
I am ready and eager to move. If you stand in a particular spot in the new house there’s a little glimpse of the sea that’s at the end of our road. I’m also ready to put myself out there to meet new people. I am hoping to find play mates for Conor’s little brother. On the whole I find interaction with strangers easier than with people I sort of know. I have no expectations of their expectations of me. The new neighbours will only know the new me so there can be no comparisons with how I used to be. I do wonder however how and when I’ll tell any new people that I am a mother to two special boys and not just the one they can see and hear. If I delay telling them will I give the impression that Conor is a taboo subject. Yet if I tell them straight away do I risk scaring people off with my dead baby story. I have got so used to telling it that I forget how it shocks others. I hope I can get the balance right and that my story is heard with kindness.
I do not feel that moving from this house means I am moving on from Conor. There’s a beach just 5 minutes walk away waiting to have his name written in the sand. There’s a new oven waiting to bake cakes for Conor. There’s also a railway that passes by our new house and Conor’s graveyard. I’ll think of him (and Dad who loved that train journey) every time I hear the trains. In the meantime we had road repairs outside our current house. I crept out under the cover of darkness and left a permanent reminder of the two amazing boys who lived here; our little star and his rainbow brother.
I recently attended a charity ball run by and for the A Little Lifetime Foundation (ALLF). I shared a table with a loss Mum friend I met through the ALLF support groups. It was the first big social event in my new life. I went all out and had my hair and make up professionally done. I wore a fancy dress and heels. I hobbled my way into the function room surrounded by the glitz and glamour of my fellow 400+ ball attendees. I even won a little spot prize but unfortunately fell short of wining the top raffle prize of a trip to Barbados. It was a wonderful night and I felt honoured that so many came to support the charity that supports us.
I made a new discovery that night at the ball – I’m missing my groove. I was never a great dancer but would always have spent time on the dance floor at weddings and parties; my only goal being to move in time with the music! I am not sure where my groove has gone. What I do know is when the band started playing I didn’t feel or connect with the music, instead, I could feel a physical tension in my body rise up from my by then sore feet. Since Conor died I find I can no longer “let myself go”. Maybe the band Deee-Lite were right when they sang “Groove is in the heart”. If the heart is broken what chance does groove get? It’s not just dancing but I rarely ever laugh out loud even when my brain tells me that something is really hilarious. Will this every come back? There was a time I could never have imagined getting all dressed up and enjoying a large social event, so I expect it will. Learning to live with grief is a longer term challenge than I could have ever imagined. I am constantly finding ways it has changed me and some of these have taken me by surprise. Maybe my groove is simply taking a break to allow the heart to do some healing.
Here are some mince pie twists that were made for a group of special Mums. I now help to run an ALLF group for Mothers parenting a new baby following a loss. I lead a singing and music session with the rainbow babies and this is followed by a cuppa, a chat and of course cake. It’s a wonderful way for me to feel I am giving both my boys my time. The babies have fun and they have no problems feeling and connecting with the music.
This is likely to be my last post before Christmas. I would like to take this opportunity to wish the readers of Cakes for Conor a peaceful Christmas surrounded by love. Thank you for all the encouragement over 2017.
The recipe for the mince pie twists is from http://www.jusrol.co.uk