In the days and weeks that followed Conor’s death we received so many lovely cards and messages of support. These got me through the hardest days. The sound of the post arriving got me out of bed and functioning. There were masses said for our little family across the world. There were candles lit and flowers sent. The different gestures will always be remembered with gratitude. All the cards are safely stored in Conor’s memory box. One gift that stands out came in the form of an email. Friends of Conor’s Daddy named a star after our little boy. This was such an inspired gift. To me it represented life and light. Mass cards and flowers had become symbols of death. We took this star to our hearts. It was the perfect gift for our little boy whose Mummy used to sing “Twinkle Twinkle” to her ever expanding bump. Usually when someone dies we have something that reminds us of our loved one. I think of my two very different grandfathers when I see flat caps (farmer Grandad) & baseball caps (London East End Grandad). There was a young Irish woman whose funeral made the news recently after a tragic accident. She was buried with fake tan and a designer handbag. I’m sure her friends will think of her as they get ready for nights out. These symbols prompt memories and I smile now when I see caps. When a baby dies what symbols do we have? My belief systems have been challenged beyond all recognition and so I do not think of Conor as an angel. We do not know what toy he would have played with or which superhero he would have liked best. We have adopted a star as Conor’s symbol. Like a star Conor has an ever lasting presence in our lives. Like a star we cannot hold him or touch him but he continues to shine a light on us.
I am the proud owner of various star shaped items inc a bespoke necklace bought for me by Conor’s Daddy and an ink stamp for remembering Conor in cards. There is a star on his headstone along with a lyric from The Smiths “There is a light that never goes out”. I hope that others will remember our Conor when they see stars. I hope that over time I will start to smile when the clouds part.
My gorgeous 5yr old niece came home from a party recently. She told her Mummy that all the star biscuits were gone and she didn’t get to have one. When asked why she liked star biscuits she replied “they make me think of Baby Conor”. Biscuit cutters are part of my star collection. You’ll see they’ve been used lots in my quest to find the perfect easy crunchy biscuit recipe. . .
I am still searching . . .
* Top tip:
Foxes Glacier Fruits worked best in the centre of the Stained Glass Biscuits. I used a BBC recipe http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/stainedglasswindowbi_87505. They were tasty but more of a Christmas biscuit.