About Me – a bereaved mother and enthusiastic home baker

In August 2014 our baby Conor died suddenly. 9 months was the length of his short life kicking away inside me. Grieving for the boy who never came home is complicated . The mind has never been so busy. Everyday it battles recurring emotions of sadness, anger, fear & anxiety to name a few. I grieve a past, present and future. The day we buried Conor my dear husband (chief taster) and I vowed to keep going. Everything changed the day Conor stopped kicking. Our world was “bombed”. I am learning that keeping going isn’t about rebuilding the old life its about building a new life. I am slowly starting to accept this.name on beach

A maternity leave with no baby to care for leaves you empty and without purpose. Baking cakes for Conor has become a big part of my survival plan. The BBC’s Great British Bake off was the first TV program watched in my new life. Its predictable format was safe. There were no babies, nappy adverts or pregnant women; all reminders of our loss. I could become absorbed in technical bakes and show stoppers. Very slowly I gained confidence and strength. If Mary Berry could survive the death of her precious son then so could I. Baking Mary Berry’s Apple & Cinnamon Cake was the first time in my new life that I managed to apply myself to anything purposeful. Baking allows me to live in the present. For those few hours mixing, blending, kneading, whisking, frosting and tasting, I am in the moment. For those few hours the mind is quietened.  Baking helps me to keep going.  This is my story of love, loss and cake, all served with the added ingredient of salty tears.

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10 thoughts on “About Me – a bereaved mother and enthusiastic home baker”

  1. This is beautiful Imogen! Your words express so much love for Conor. I’m really happy that you have found something to help keep going. I do the same. After we lost Elena, I found cooking very theraputic, giving structure and also helped me feel good at something again as I felt that I had let Elena down. Weirdly baking makes me feel like a mummy as it is something that I had planned to do with our daughter. Thank you for sharing this Xx

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  2. Imogen, Dominic and I were so saddened to hear from Michelle about Conor. Congratulations on your blog. I am also a keen baker and will be helping my lovely friend Jeanette (The Lazy Seamstress – please search for her blog) raise money for SANDS with a neighbourhood cake sale next month. xxx Emma

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  3. Imogen,
    Thank you for helping me to help good friends of mine who have experienced a very similar tragedy. Your story and insight really helps me to empathise with their adversity. I think your strength and courage is amazing. When I think of what it means to be a wonderful human being making a real difference in the world we all live in – I can now think of you, your story and your generosity in sharing it with others. Conor would be proud of you!

    God bless you!

    Daragh

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  5. Imogen, I am Michelle’s friend from college. I told Michelle that I have been reading your blogs, and i am so touched by your words. I think of you often, and until now wondered about how you deal with things day to day. Your blogs are so wonderfully written and so very honest. Conor will be so proud of his mummy, and all of your family for keeping his memory alive. I must also thank you for inspiring me to take the leap and bake, every time I read a recipe I promise myself i will try. I will let Michelle know how one of your recipes turned out, maybe I will be better than I think? I will be keeping all of your family in my prayers over the next couple of weeks, and always xx

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  7. What a wonderful brave blog. From one bereaved mommy to another, sending massive hugs. I too have started to cook again, not baking just yet, and I do find it helpful, 3 almost months on xxx

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