This is one of the fairy cakes I made with my little niece this weekend. We used a piping bag for the icing and she loved squeezing the gooey pink icing out of the bag. After piping the heart shape she exclaimed “I love hearts”. Her enthusiasm for this simple recipe was infectious.  It was a bittersweet moment. The thought that I should be doing this with my son is never far away. The fairy cakes tasted as good as this one looks.

Grief is the price we pay for love.  We do not stop loving someone when they die. I haven’t stopped loving Conor or my dear Dad since their deaths. I fell in love with my baby from the moment I knew he was growing inside me. I treasured every “good morning Mummy” kick. Those 41 weeks were our time. It was love at first sight seeing Conor after delivering him silently into this world. He was shown a lifetime of love in his short life. If love was enough to save Conor, he could have lived forever but sadly love cannot stop lightning strikes. As time passes I have become less afraid of my sadness.  It is in my sadness I feel the strength of my love. My tears are simply an expression of my love.

Since Conor died I have questioned my role. I am a mother but how do I parent a child I cannot feed, bathe, dress or cuddle? What do I do with all the love I have for Conor?  Conor’s Daddy and I find other ways to show our love. Here are some of them…

• We keep Conor’s grave looking tidy and colourful. Along with his grandparents, we keep a candle lit in his lantern. Although I haven’t quite worked out my relationship with his grave, I want his space to look loved.
• We write Conor’s name in the sand when we visit the beach and love it when others do the same.
• We remember Conor in cards using our ink star stamp to symbolise “our little star”.
• I create. I have made cakes and biscuits using Conor’s star symbol. I recently made a mosaic for our garden. Making something for my son makes me feel like a good mother.
• I tell the world about Conor in these posts. http://www.cakesforconor.com has now been read in 24 countries! (I am aiming for more so please share this post with family and friends living away.)
• We light Conor’s candle at night. It’s a special candle given to us in thanks for fundraising. It’s made of wax but has a tea light holder on the top so you never need to burn the candle down.

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It is a day of remembrance for all those babies lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death and SIDS.  It was established by bereaved parents in the USA.  The day aims to raise awareness of the impact of infant loss on families. It acknowledges that our babies existed and will be forever loved.  The day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle lighting vigils. At 7pm it features a Wave of Light with candles all over the world burning for all our babies who didn’t get to stay.  Here are some of the candles burned last year by friends and family to remember Conor…

This is the first year that International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day will be officially recognised by our Irish Government. This Thursday 15th October I will be the proudest mother in Ireland. I have been asked to tell Conor’s story at a Baby Loss Awareness and Remembrance Event. There will be a room full of people in a city centre hotel listening to me speak about my Conor.  At 7pm we will pause to light our candles. This Thursday 15th October at 7pm I ask you all to light a candle for Conor and all our babies, for our love is like a light that never goes out.

*Top tip.

Once again I used a very simple all in one recipe from Mary Berry.

http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/430522/Mary-Berry-s-iced-fairy-cakes

I followed the 10 second rule to get the icing to the correct consistency.  (You can look this up on YouTube.)  You cut through the icing with a clean knife and count to 10. If your line is still visible after 10 then the icing needs more water.  The icing is too runny if your line disappears before 10 seconds.  Give it a go. It’s the best tip I’ve found to achieve a perfect consistency for piping.